There are too many roles that I’ve been asked to play, I can no longer adapt.
Each requires a different approach, a different temperament. I’ve always been about responding to other and the situation at hand, evolving to it. But when you’re balancing so many different parcels of chaos, it starts to wear you down. And breaking free from it usually means alienating those who’ve grown used to seeing you a certain way.
Most people don’t have this problem, they just are who they are, they live by their programming. They don’t question themselves, they don’t try to be better. They don’t look at all the different possibilities. They don’t try to accommodate others.
I envy that, even if such a life resembles a personality disorder wherein we meet each situation with the same rigid persona. When we are just who we are, we end up destroying a lot of shit because we assert ourselves into every situation rather than letting the situation mold us to fit.
But, maybe that’s the way to go? Alone, I have no issues and no burdens. Except for the memories of encounters past.
Should I just be cynical and bitter around others? That’d put me on par with the rest of the world. Should I be inconsiderate, selfish, and self-absorbed? I’d fit right in. To wear a scowl removed only for those who’d never harm me.
It’s sad when you realize that all the things your parents taught you—to be honest, kind, giving, and true to yourself—put you at odds with the industrial culture you live in, that they make you into someone who can’t excel in it, who is brutalized by it. Seeing my mother now, as she ages, the misery is slowly seeping in because she cares so much. She taught me to care as well.
It’s a beautiful teaching, but does it work? Is it practical? Looking at my own life, I’m not so sure anymore. The kindnesses and open hand are taken for granted to taken advantage of. Should I remain caring but simply limit the people I commune with? Should I be a working hermit, moving through the marketplace but touching no one?
These are the questions that flood the 4am hour. The only certainty is that my course cannot remain as it was if I”m to live with some sense of basic sanity.